Contents
Preface
PART ONE
Introduction
CHAPTER ONE
Skills for Bridging the Interpersonal Gap
Communication: Humanity's Supreme Achievement
The Ineffectiveness of Most Communication
The Ache of Loneliness
So Much Lost Love
A Key to Success at Work
A Life-or-Death Matter
You Can Change
You Will Change!
Managing Your Resistance to Learning
Five Sets of Skills
Summary
CHAPTER TWO
Barriers to Communication
Common Communication Spoilers
Why Roadblocks Are High-Risk Responses
Judging: the Major Roadblock
Roadblock
Sending Solutions Can Be a Problem!
Avoiding the Other's Concerns
Roadblock Number Thirteen
Summary
PART TWO
Listening Skills
CHAPTER THREE
Listening Is More Than Merely Hearing
The Importance of Listening
Listening Defined
Listening Skill Clusters
Attending Skills
Following Skills
Summary
CHAPTER FOUR
Four Skills of Reflective Listening
Reflective Responses Provide a Mirror to the Speaker
Paraphrasing
Reflecting Feelings
Reflecting Meanings
Summary
CHAPTER FIVE
Why Reflective Responses Work
Style and Structure in Listening
Six Peculiarities of Human Communication
Skepticism Is Best Dissolved by Action
Summary
CHAPTER SIX
Reading Body language
The Importance of Body Language
Nonverbals: The Language of Feelings
The "Leakage" of Masked Feelings
Guidelines for Reading Body Language
Reflect the Feelings Back to the Sender
A Clear But Confusing Language
Summary
CHAPTER SEVEN
Improving Your Reflecting Skills
Guidelines for Improved Listening
Beyond Reflective Listening
When to Listen Reflectively
When Not to Listen Reflectively
The Good News and the Bad News
Summary
PART THREE
Assertion Skills
CHAPTER EIGHT
Three Approaches to Relationships
Listening and Assertion: The Yin and Yang of Communication
Methods for Developing Assertiveness
The Need to Protect One's Personal Space
Impacting
The Submission-Assertion-Aggression Continuum
Payoffs and Penalties of Three Ways of Relating
Choose for Yourself
Summary
CHAPTER NINE
Developing Three-Part Assertion Messages
Verbal Assertion: The Third Option
Three-Part Assertion Messages
Effective and Ineffective Ways of Confrontation
Writing Three-Part Assertion Messages
A Voyage of Self-Discovery and Growth
Summary
CHAPTER TEN
Handling the Push-Push Back Phenomenon
Surprise Attack
The Human Tendency to Be Defensive
The Upward Spiral of Increasing Defensiveness
A Six-Step Assertion Process
Summary
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Increasing Your Assertive Options
Many Varieties of Assertive Behavior
"Natural" Assertions
Self-Disclosure
Descriptive Recognition
Relationship Assertions
Selective Inattention
Withdrawal
The Spectrum Response
Options
Natural and Logical Consequences
Stop the Action; Accept the Feelings
Say "No!,"
Modify the Environment
The Danger of Going Overboard
The Aura of Assertiveness
Summary
PART FOUR
Conflict Management Skills
CHAPTER TWELVE
Conflict Prevention and Control
Conflict Is Unavoidable
Conflict Is Disruptive and/or Destructive
The Benefits of Conflict
Realistic and Nonrealistic Conflict
Personal Conflict Prevention and Control Methods
Group/Organizational Prevention and Control Methods
The Dangers of Conflict Prevention and Control
Summary
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Handling the Emotional Components of Conflict
Focus on the Emotions First
The Conflict Resolution Method
The Conflict Resolution Method in Action
Four Ways to Use the Conflict Resolution Method
Preparation for the Encounter
Evaluating the Conflict
Expected Outcomes of the Conflict Resolution Method
Summary
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Collaborative Problem Solving: Seeking an Elegant Solution
Three Kinds of Conflict
Alternatives to Collaborative Problem Solving
Seeking an Elegant Solution Through Collaborative Problem
Solving
Six Steps of the Collaborative Problem-Solving Method
What This Problem-Solving Method Communicates
Collaborative Problem-Solving in Action
Handling the Crucial Preliminaries
What Do I Do When Collaborative Problem Solving Doesn't Work?
Applications of Collaborative Problem Solving
Summary
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Three Essentials for Effective Communication
In Communication, Skills Alone Are Insufficient
Genuineness
Non-possessive Love
Empathy
Implementation of the Core Attitudes
AFTERWORD
Four Steps to Improved Communication
A Quantified Commitment to Use the Skills
Select Appropriate Situations
Undaunted by Occasional Failure
Prepare Others for the Change
Skill Training
Notes
Index
Robert Bolton, Ph.D., is president of Ridge Consultants in Cazenovia, New York, a firm that specializes in improving human performance in industry, health care, education, and government. His staff has taught communication skills to thousands of managers, salespersons, first-line supervisors, secretaries, customer-relations personnel, teachers, members of the clergy, health-care workers, couples, and others. He is the author of People Skills, People Styles at Work, and Listen Up or Lose Out.
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