This perennial bestseller has already helped many thousands of readers resolve conflicts and transform their relationships with family members, romantic partners, colleagues, and friends. Experienced therapist Michael P. Nichols explains why we often feel cut off from those we care about and provides easy-to-learn techniques for really hearing and being heard. Thoughtful, witty, and empathic, the book is filled with vivid examples that readers of all ages and walks of life can relate to. The revised second edition features practical exercises for building key skills, plus a new chapter on listening to kids and teens.

Table of Contents

Introduction. Part I: Yearning to be Understood. Why Listening Is So Important. "Did You Hear What I Said?" How Listening Shapes Us and Connects Us to Each Other. "Thanks for Listening". How Communication Breaks Down. "Why Won't You Listen to Me?" Part II: The Real Reasons People Don't Listen. The Heart of Listening: The Struggle to Suspend Our Own Needs. "When Is It My Turn?" How Hidden Assumptions Prejudice Listening. "You Hear Only What You Want to Hear!" How Emotionality Makes Us Defensive. "Why Do You Always Overreact!" Part III: Getting Through to Each Other. How to Let Go of Your Own Needs and Listen. "Take Your Time-I'm Listening". Empathy Begins with Openness. "I Never Knew You Felt That Way". How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity. "I Can See This Is Really Upsetting You." Part IV: Listening in Context. Listening Between Intimate Partners. "We Never Seem to Talk Anymore." How to Listen and Be Heard within the Family. "Nobody Around Here Ever Listens to Me!" Being Able to Hear Friends and Colleagues. "I Knew You'd Understand." Epilogue.

Reviews

"Lily Tomlin once advised that we 'listen with an intensity that most people save for talking.' Michael Nichols, in The Lost Art of Listening, tells us how. This is a very special book which distills years of clinical wisdom into practical advice about improving our most important relationships and, ultimately, who we are...This is more than a good book, it is a vital manual for any of us who would either like to feel good about our relationships or avoid dying before the end of our lives." - Carol M. Anderson, Ph.D., coauthor of Flying Solo "What is true listening and why, the author asks, has it become a near-rarity in modern life? Nichols shows how to utilize this [art] to improve and repair relationships with spouses, lovers, relatives, children, friends, and colleagues, and even how to boost one's own 'listenability.' He also explains what listening isn't, explaining why people don't listen and listing obstacles to listening (especially defensiveness owing to emotional overreaction). Humor, true life examples and simple exercises make this a practical and even entertaining self-help guide." - Publishers Weekly "Powerful and informative." - Contemporary Psychology "The Lost Art of Listening is a valuable resource, both for my students who are learning counseling skills and for many of my patients, especially couples who have come to marriage with a 'listening impairment.' Nichols blends enough of the 'whys' with the 'how-tos' to serve both counselors in training and clients. The concepts are accompanied by rich illustrations that enable readers to put them into practice immediately. My graduate students report many 'aha' moments while reading this encouraging book." - Jeffrey S. Black, Professor and Chair, Master's Program in Christian Counseling, Philadelphia Biblical University, USA "I use this book in teaching first-semester graduate students counseling micro-skills. The students endorse it as the best of the texts I use. The Lost Art of Listening uses pragmatic examples from real life to illustrate active listening. This approach makes the material come alive for students who are just learning active listening, and is a great refresher for those who are already familiar with it. In addition, I often recommend the book to couples I see in my private practice." - Iverson M. Eicken, Adjunct Instructor, Department of Counseling, California State University, Fullerton, USA