Why do we harden our hearts, even against those we want to love? Why do we find it so hard to admit being wrong? Why are the worst grudges the ones we hold against ourselves? Using movies, people in the news, and sessions from his practice, psychologist and award- winning author Robert Karen illuminates the struggle between our wish to repair our relationships on one side and our tendency to see ourselves as victims who want revenge on the other.
When we nurse our resentments, Karen says, we are acting from an insecure aspect of the self that harbors unresolved pain from childhood. But we also have a forgiving self which is not compliant or fake, but rather the strongest, most loving part of who we are. Through it, we are able to voice anger without doing damage, to acknowledge our own part in what has gone wrong, to see the flaws in ourselves and others as part of our humanity.
Karen demonstrates how we can move beyond our feelings of being wronged without betraying our legitimate anger and need for repair. The forgiving self, when we are able to locate it, brings relief from compulsive self-hatred and bitterness, and allows for a re-emergence of love.

Reviews

This latest book by psychologist Karen (Becoming Attached) demonstrates just how well a Western psychoanalytic approach can illuminate the true complexity of an act and attitude that traditionally gets pitched into bins marked "spiritual" or "moral"Äbeyond the realm of the personality. "Forgiveness is an aspect of the workings of love," Karen writes. "It can be a bridge back from hatred and alienation as well as a liberation from two kinds of hell: bitterness and victimhood on one side; guilt, shame, and self-recrimination on the other." Using details from his clinical practice and popular culture, Karen depicts how this liberating reconnection with others and with the world can occur only as we learn to reconnect with ourselves. But the price of this reconnection, he advises, is the willingness to mourn. Mourning the losses and disappointments of childhoodÄand voluntarily losing all the unconscious beliefs we came up with to make sense of our painÄis the price we must pay to fully connect with ourselves. True forgiveness, Karen drums home, can only be the result of serious inner work: "The forgiving self is in possession of itself." Karen's notion of our possible liberation and happiness is modest compared to many of the spiritual guides to life hitting bestseller lists, for he never ventures beyond the gratification that can be won as we gradually expand our "zone of connection." Yet this book would make a salutary companion to those more sweeping, seemingly more profound books, showing readers the real effort required for this apparently simple act, revealing anew how far and deep that effort can take us. (Jan. 16) Forecast: As nearly everyone suffers from resentment, this book could reach many readers. However, it won't appeal to those looking for instant solutions, nor to those seeking a larger spiritual or ethical context for forgiveness, and it likely won't enjoy extraordinary sales in a market that leans heavily toward spiritually fortified psychotherapy. Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information.

"To make forgiveness interesting--to make it worth thinking about again--is the real boon of Karen's book" --Adam Phillips, author of On Flirtation and Houdini's Box"
" "Tackles the core questions that have preoccupied thinkers about human behavior through the ages . . . .Fascinating and important." --Paul Wachtel, author of Pyschoanalysis & Behavior Therapy"
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"Robert Karen is one of our smartest and most accessible guides to the world of psychoanalytic theory and research." -"Elle""Magazine"
"Looks through the lens of forgiveness into the heart of what can go wrong in relationships . . . gets into the guts of what it is like to feel wronged and bear grudges and to suffer with feelings that seem hateful and shameful."--Lucinda Steig, Faculty, National Institute for the Psychotherapies
"A deeply moving book, psychologically sophisticated, beautifully written, and personally inspiring." --Lewis Aron, Director, Postdoctoral Program in Psychotherappy and Pyschoa